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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  July 5, 2016 11:00pm-11:32pm PDT

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[ cheers and applause ] >> i'll ask you to squeeze a couple of times. >> they're like kegels for your butt, so, like, begels. >> kegels actually activate both of them at the same time. >> can i call them begels? >> can i call them begels? >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. (cheers and applause) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show"! thank you so much, everybody! i'm trevor noah. tonight's guest, i'm so excited, a great comedian and aficionado of food. jim gaffigan, everybody! (cheers and applause) but first, happy belated fourth of july, everyone. i hope you had an amazing weekend because mine truly was. i actually got asked to join
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taylor swift's squad. (laughter) yeah. she gives you the flag bikini when she sends the text. (laughter) it was really cool. what a great holiday. getting the day off. celebrating independence. the perfect time in america to achieve something historic. >> after a nearly five year long journey juno spacecraft sent a message from 540 million miles away. nailsa scientists at the jet propulling lab in southern california are calling this the hardest thing they've ever done, successfully putting a jupiter's orbit. >> after a 1.7 billion-mile journey we hit our burn targets within one second on a target just tens of kilometers large. isn't that incredible? >> trevor: did he just bump into the mic? while talking about how precise they are? (laughter) (applause) there is no room for error!
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every millimeter counts -- oh, sorry, sorry. (laughter) sending a probe more than half a billion miles away and putting it in orbit around jupiter is so amazing. what is even more amazing about america, is that wasn't even the most amazing thing that happened this weekend. >> and joey jaws chestnut hasp set matt stonie to regain the title at the july 4th hot dog eating contest in coney island. 70 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes! >> 70 hot dogs and buns! >> trevor: 70 hot dogs! you guys, do you know how many hot dogs the winner ate in 1980? nine! nine was enough to win you the title. today that's the average customer order, my friends. what has changed? not the human body but man's will and determination. that's what makes america so great, an appetite for innovation in every realm.
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i'm jealous, we don't have eating contests in africa. if you have food, you've already swofnlt simple as that. (laughter) you! you have hot dogs? then you are the winner! (applause) of course, the giant news today is all about hillary clinton. now, as you know, the f.b.i. has been investigating hillary over her digital scandals, missing e-mails, private server and the requests she sends to everyone. the f.b.i. announced its decision and because it was such a huge moment in the race everyone was going to be watching f.b.i. director james comey. you can see he knew it. >> this is going to be an unusual statement in a couple of ways. first, i'll include nor detail about the process than ordinary. and second, i have not coordinated this statement or reviewed it in any way with the department of justice or any other part of the government, they do not know what i'm about to say. >> trevor: what are you going
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to say?! what are you going to say?! (laughter) "they do not know what i'm going to say! even i don't know what i'm going to say!" yeah, that's right. as if we weren't anxious enough about it. he secrested up the entire announcement. "and the charges will or will not be announced... right after this." comey, this is no "idol." just tell us what hillary and the state department did. >> there was evidence that they were extremely careless in their handling of highly classified information. eight of those chains contained information top-secret. any reasonable person in secretary clinton's position should have known that an unclassified system was no place for that conversation. it is possible that hostile actors gained access to secretary clinton's personal email account. >> trevor: damn, he went straight from being secrest to simon cowell. that was intense. so many things wrong?
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wherever hillary was during this announcement, i can tell you now she was packing up her life because if you were watching this and you were hillary, you would be, like, that's it. that would be it for her campaign. there is no campaign after this if you're indicted. no first woman president. the only place she'll give a fancy speech is from cell block d, there is nothing after this. (laughter) so mr. f.b.i. director, we've all heard the laundry list of shady (bleep). give it to us straight. what are the charges? >> we are expressing to justice our view that no charges are appropriate in this case. >> trevor: that's it? (laughter) no, that's it? after all the suspense and build up, no charges, nothing? you're not even going to tase her? nothing? (laughter) wow! wow! that's a let-off. i know how hillary must have felt. >> hillary clinton... you are "not" indicted!
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(cheers and applause) >> trevor: yes, america, yes! take a second to understand -- that is where your election that is gotten to right now. when the good news is that one of your presidential candidates, the rationale one, by the way, will not be going to jail "at this time"! like not being indicted should never ever be your good news. you're running for president, not the coolest dude in the barbershop. that is not something you're celebrating. here's the thing, though, hillary' camp was hoping the end of this investigation would close the book on her purported shadiness. the reality with the clintons, though, is that it's never really over. this case was set up in a way that could have perfectly common rated hillary. an independent probe by the most respected nonpartisan law enforcement agency in the country. all they had to do is not taint the investigation with their clinton fingerprints which they managed to not do for almost a year. then with less than a week left before the f.b.i. and justice department finished, this
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happened. >> this is a new twist in the government's investigation of hillary clinton's e-mails. bill clinton, earlier this week, meeting with loretta lynch on the tarmac of phoenix international airport -- >> loretta lynch, the attorney general who is overseeing the investigation of hillary clinton's private email server -- >> this is, like, the fifth time bill clinton has has been tadged his wife's political career. >> what are you thinking, president clinton? >> trevor: what are you thinking, president clinton? why would you do this and how did you do this? >> he popped over when their pleansz were share ago tarmac to have a social call with loretta lynch. >> mr. clinton got word her plane was coming in. he stopped and waited for her to come on to the tarmac and privately met with her for 30 minutes. >> trevor: oh, hell, no! that is so unfair! i get in trouble for just trying to move to another row on the plane. this guy jogged to a whole another plane on the tarmac!
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you know when you cross the street and hole your hand up? bill clinton does that with airplanes. fly over me! i'm walking over here, fly over me! (applause) i don't understand how he did this! and, you know, i actually feel sorry for loretta lynch because the president comes to her plane, she has to let him in. and the worst part of all of this is, she's left to explain what he did. >> lynch calling it a social chat about golf and grandchildren. >> i was arriving, he was leaving. he came on to say hello. we spoke about a number of things. not much more to it than that. (laughter) >> trevor: that sounds etch more suspicious. a lot of people asking the question why would bill clinton do something so stupid. why does he keep doing these stupid things to his wife's campaign? well, i have a theory. bill clinton is intentionally
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trying to sabotage hillary's campaign. yeah. because think about it -- if hillary wins, she becomes president, and then he is married to president clinton, and bill knows better than anyone, you do not want to be married to a president clinton. (laughter) we'll be right back. (applause) is he looking? yes. he's so cute. let's do this. ugh! first they're sour. then they're sweet. that's nice. sour patch kids. sour. sweet. gone.
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♪lost love is sweeter when it's finally found♪ ♪don't wake me i'm not dreaming♪ ♪ welcome. i am the extra crispy colonel. and my extra crispy five dollar fill-up is a tasty, real meal for just five dollars. mmm! kfc. it's extra crispy good. hey, can we get some beers? beer! ice cold beer! what beer? ummmm... redd's apple ale! i'll take one too. me too! hey! redd's apple ale! redd's apple ale. crisp like an apple. brewed like a beer.
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>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! (cheers and applause) you know when you're watching sports, there is nothing more exciting than a close match. even if you have a favorite team, you still want the game to be close, right? and politics is the exact opposite, especially when the rival team is a racist clementine. (laughter) because right now, hillary clinton is leading the race by an average of 4 percentage points, depending on which poll you look at, which is too close for comfort, considering her opponent is a man who regularly says things like this. >> bing, bing, bong, bing. (laughter) >> trevor: this should not be a close race, people. hillary should be bing, bing, bong, binging the crap out of that guy.
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especially given the errors trump commits on a daily basis. for instance -- >> donald trump caught in the middle of a twitter fire storm once again. a tweet showing what appears to be the jewish star of david over a backdrop of money labeling hillary clinton the most corrupt candidate ever. >> trevor: ow! it's as if someone told trump he's not allowed to be misogynistic anymore so he's like, fine, i guess i'll call her a jew. (laughter) now, most people would let a situation like this slow them down but donald trump is a man who turns gaffes into gaffe-tunities. his campaign had a fix. >> his campaign is arguing the star is really a sheriff's star. but no explanation of how the campaign came across that image, previously posted in a white supremacist chuteroom. it's now been rechanged, the star replaced with a circle. >> trevor: how did you do that, trump? it's completely different!
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yeah! that is not even a good coverup. if you zoom in, you can still see the edges of the star underneath the circle! (cheers and applause) why?! you're not even trying! you know who trump is? trump is that guy who takes a giant dump in your bathroom, forgets to flush and when you confront him, he comes in with air freshener, there, it was like i was never here. here's my big question, how could this tweet ever happened? >> donald trump's caddy turned media director said he selected the star, explaining he found it under microsoft shapes. >> trevor: what the hell is microsoft shapes? who doesn't use goingle? what is microsoft shapes? (laughter) i see this is slick. it's easy to try and blame things on microsoft. microsoft does a few things weird. it keeps making my computer
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search for animated porn, and that's not me. no, i think i have a virus, guys. it's not the shape that's antisemitic. it's when you put it on top of a pile of money, next to the word "corrupt" that makes it antisemitic. it's context. a cross is not a racist shape. but if you set it on fire on a black person's lawn, then it is pretty racist, people! (applause) that's what makes it racist! you know what else makes the star racist? the fact you got it from a neo-nazi white supremacist web site! the fact you have your former caddy as your social media director, who are you? it's like trump hires someone for a job, hiring the next person he sees. trump's campaign is a total mess but you wouldn't know it watching cnn. to explain the tweet, they brought on their newest hire,
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trump's former campaign manager, a man who literally signed away his right to say anything bad about donald trump. >> the bottom line, this is political correctness run amok. if it was a star next toll hillary clinton that didn't have the cash behind it, no one would question it. this is the mainstream media trying to read into something. >> trevor: reading into something? nice work, cnn. just to be clear, that wasn't some special guest. cnn hired this guy. not to be wolf blitz's beard groorm, he's a political commentator. he signed an agreement with donald trump saying he's not allowed to say anything bad about donald trump. so why is he on the news? he's con tracks chiewlly obligated to not say bad things. why not just hire malfoy to give his honest opinion on voldemort? why not go all the way then?
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i know trump doesn't hate jews, but a lot of people do. >> trump retweeted a racially charged graphic that overstates homicides committed by african-americans. >> trump retweeted a tweet showing a swastika next to the bush family. >> included jeb in a mariachi outfit. >> he claims to have met someone living in jew america. >> trevor: retweet something once, a mix up. retweet twice, bad at twitter. but at some point, you're just racist. you may be trying to dog whistle to a certain group of your people, but you understand your message is getting through to all of us. it's a normal whistle and racist. your feelings about racism in america is a lot like your tweets. you may be able to cover it up,
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but your supporters can still see your point. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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if you can't decide between an applebee's fresh summer salad, or savory wood-fire grilled chicken, we'll give you both for just $8.99. applebee's new wood fired grill salads starting at $8.99 for a limited time this summer. only at applebee's. bud light party here to discuss equal pay. women don't get paid as much as men and that is wrong. and we have to pay more for the same stuff. what? yeah. cars... what? dry cleaning... what? shampoo. what? you pay more but get paid less? that is double wrong. i'm calling everyone i know and i'm telling them about this. this has got to stop! bud light proudly supports equal pay,
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that's why bud light costs the same no matter if you're a dude or a lady. yeah mom you have to pay more for a car than dad. no one treats my mom like this! ♪ protect your home with marquee® exterior. behr's most advanced paint. get the best paints and stains for any budget and now save 10 or 40 bucks. only at the home depot. ♪ welcome. i am the extra crispy colonel. and my extra crispy five dollar fill-up is a tasty, real meal for just five dollars. mmm! kfc. it's extra crispy good.
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>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." tonight's guest is executive producer and star of the jim gaffigan show. >> this is your first monthly gig. you just said it haa has to go . no dave marks. >> you're right. i guess i just feel sorry for dave. by the way, that's a great suit, you almost look like the love child of ted cruz and marco rubio. >> is that a new bra? >> it's called a camisole. keep the eyes up here. >> want to go to cycle with me? i can't say it with a straight face. see you later. >> he has such a crush on me. >> trevor: please welcome jim gaffigan! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> thank you. >> trevor: how are you, jim? >> we're like adults.
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>> trevor: we are. >> we're adults. >> trevor: we've grown up. >> we're almost adults. >> trevor: we met for the first time in australia. >> australia. >> trevor: after comedy show in a random restaurant and now we're wearing suits. >> i know. >> trevor: we're grown up. >> i look like i was born in a suit. has anyone ever looked more republican than me? (laughter) this is what i look like. i'm so white-bred. trevor, people will come up to me. they will tell me racist jokes. that probably hasn't happened to you. >> trevor: no, it hasn't at all. >> people will come up to me and i was thinking, why did you think i would want to hear that? >> trevor: what do you do when that happens though,? >> you just laugh. (laughter) >> trevor: i see it as a teachable moment! >> no, it's a horrible feeling! >> trevor: i love the idea of people walking away thinking jim
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gaffigan loved my joke! really cool! >> people would think if anyone would have a problem with pigmentation it's the pale guy. not true, though. good coffee. >> trevor: it's not supposed to be coffee. let's talk about "the jim gaffigan show." it's funny because we met backstage, were chatting, and jim says to me, have you actually watched my show? why would you ask me that? >> because it's so hard! you deal with this, too! it's like we work so hard on these shows. they're good, and it's like there is a billion shows to watch, and, so, like, if you can get -- you literally -- i feel like you have to wrestle people and put them in front of a television because, is it on netflix, hulu? no! sit in front of your cable box! you know? >> trevor: you made it sound like there's no tv atouchdown to the cable box!
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(laughter) >> i have cable. we all know people who don't have cable. >> trevor: well a lot of people are cutting the cord. >> yes. i sit there and say, well, where do you send your $500 a month? how do you do that? >> trevor: can i tell you and this is not because you're on the show, this is genuine, i bumped into the show, there was a repeat on comedy central, and i caught the middle of the episode. it was so funny in the first few minutes, i sought to find it, it was on tvland on demand, i found it. >> you're a good man. >> trevor: it's one of the funniest shows, honestly. >> thank you. >> trevor: it is truly one of the funniest shows. >> thank you. >> trevor: was that a true story, by the way? >> it is a true story. >> trevor: so for those who don't know, the story is basically around a tweet that you sent. >> a tweet. we're comedians, we try and be funny and some of that humor is built around some surprise -- >> trevor: yes. >> -- or tongue-in-cheek.
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so i did this tweet, and the blowback was incredible. by the way, if you don't know me, i'm a very clean comedian. i talk about, like, donuts, all right? so i'm not a flame-thrower. anyway, so there was all this blowback, but it was so funny because it wasn't i was right or wrong, people would just pile on because, in the end, human beings, there is a tribal kind of, like, let's kill him! let's hunt someone! we all want to hunt someone! >> trevor: the context, you are a clean comedian. when the obstacles are written about you, no one went, maybe we missed what the tweet was about. >> no, it's just like there is this outrage. as culture, we want to build someone up and then tear them down, like, get 'em! i don't know, do i sound crazy? >> trevor: no, you sound angry, though. >> i am a little angry. >> trevor: sthl -- is this
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outrage? >> i think to get people to watch my show, i should be in a sex tape. >> trevor: can i do the tape with you? because if we do it together -- (laughter) (applause) >> that almost happened! >> trevor: if we kissed, that would have gone everywhere! >> that would have been everywhere! >> trevor: we could have done it, jim. >> how bad do we want -- (applause) >> trevor: we do this for ratings! >> we did it! >> trevor: if you want to see more of these kisses, watch "the jim gaffigan show"! find it on comedy central saturday nights at 8:00 p.m., jim gaffigan, everybody! (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause)
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♪ (catchy upbe♪ music) ♪ ♪ ♪all i need is five minutes ♪ ♪all i need is five minutes ♪
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so good, they're back. canredd's apple ale!ome beers? ♪ [ "stay" by lisa loeb ] redd's apple ale. also for a limited time in blueberry. [ song continues ] >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. thank you for joining us. join us tomorrow night at 11. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> just so happens we celebrate our country's birthday on the same day that we celebrate my oldest daughter's birthday. so just a quick happy birthday for malia. (singing happy birthday)
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ready to go ready to go ready to go captioning sponsored by comedy central [ cheers and applause ] >> larry: welcome to "the nightly show." i'm larry wilmore. thanks for coming. hope you guys had a n

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